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i need to get away from everything. away from my life. every single thing i do, i see, i feel, hear, remind me of her. sometimes its unfair that people get to move on, and you get stuck, and people just don't care. i guess thats my life haha, everyone moves on, so quickly you don't even get to see them again. all the places I went with her, the things we did... I know now why she cannot hold on. she's not here... well it's just too bad then, sometimes i have a strong urge to AWOL, and burn everything that reminds me of those memories. we agreed those memories would be sweet didn't we? and now it has gone all bitter... It's torturous, having to hold on when it hurts so much. Wanting to loosen my grip, but my hands won't listen, and the hand burns... perhaps one day those hands will finally turn to ash, and it'll be peaceful again, just that... I'll never hold onto anything again. I'll never hold onto anything again. . . It's just not worth the pain. dreamt at 2/18/2008 06:23:00 PM, 0 comments 想到当时， 我们彼此答应彼此如果找到更好的对方， 就一定放心地去谈恋爱。 可是你也许不知道我并不是那么想的， 你说世界上有更好的女生， 我想有了你， 我也不希罕其他人了。 就像当时身旁有这么多比我更好的帅哥， 你也傻傻地等了我两年。我现在的心情就和你差不多。。。 你了解吗？ 我想过， 可能我们相爱得不够深， 所以你觉得守护着这份爱情让你疲倦， 不值得。 因为我知道你从来没这么快放弃一件事， 除非对你已是没什么意义了。 多希望你写给我的字条还是真的， 哈哈。。。 让你告诉你一个小秘密：其实我希望你会和我厮守一辈子， 而我也（ok, 这听起来会很自私 =P) 暗暗地希望我在你心中永远都占领一个特别的位子， 谁也不能代替。 =D 我爱你， 你是我的朱丽叶~ ^^ dreamt at 2/07/2008 09:15:00 PM, 0 comments sometimes i wonder, why do people suddenly change their viewpoint, and make such drastic decisions. has she been thinking about this for a long time? or was it a certain chain of events that resulted in this decision? life has been kind to me so far, having a great gal like her once is the best thing that ever happened to me. but i guess i have to accept the fact that people change, and she has grown up into another world where ill never see the girl that made my life so colourful... i'll miss her playfully calling me 'Kiat Weng!' and all the things we did together. I wonder if she understands the meaning behind me sending her songs... I guess she didnt really have time to digest the lyrics, else she would've known how i felt. Well, it's over now, and the way I look at it, since the old her is dead and gone, I might as well go with her. Love is funny. It really is. Time to go back to my old times, old ways, old thoughts. Nothing is everlasting in this world, everything just passes by, everyone just changes. My philosophies in the past have proven right, and the emotional me? Terribly wrong. Friends, are merely stepping stones which you step on to achieve your needs and aims. Some of them shaky, some of them stable. Shaky ones, discard them once you're past. But keep the stable ones, and they may serve you well someday. True... some people say this analogy is heartless but think about it, isn't it the underlying factor of all human relationships? Of course, collect the more stones the better, and life will be much easier for you in the long run. Just take note that sometimes, rocks may look sturdy but they're just an empty shell. Whatever it is... don't forget, you're a piece of stone too, stepped by many others. Henceforth, Trust no one. Words hold no weight. Concentrate on your work. Bottle up love just like wine to be enjoyed in the future. Since she has shown nonchalance in this issue, show it too. She doesnt care, why should you act like its the end of the world? Don't crumble, be stronger than you ever could be. If fate decrees it, you will be together someday. If not.. haha, haven't you enjoyed life as a solo flyer for close to 18, 19 years? What's another 50 plus years? Let it go. The rope you're holding onto has no anchor. Fall free, die free. Kiat, welcome back. dreamt at 2/06/2008 02:34:00 PM, 0 comments from Dec 2006 till Feb 2008, we almost lasted two years... we reached the last leg, and you stopped running with me... i just realised i cant make it a clean break. i promised her ill wait for her, and no matter how hard i try, i cant imagine myself breaking that promise. well... even though we're both declared single now, it's still pretty damn painful whenever i imagine her with another guy, or not being there for her when she gets hurt. promises promises.... i should have chosen the 'suspend' relationship option the previous time we got into this issue. now that i've walked down this path, i regret. i just cant understand. am i such a burden? i dont even ask for attention, i only ask for time. and she doesnt even have to do anything, because when the time comes, it is I who will take the initiative to further the relationship. im proud of her as my girlfriend, im proud to wear our promise ring, proud to show the world we're together. but i guess thats not the case for her. she feels pained to keep her committments to me, and frustrated whenever people ask her questions about us. afraid that i'll be hurt... and she thinks that by making this move, whatever she does, i wont be affected anymore. maybe she's just too tired to attempt to understand how i feel. it's okay i guess... i guess she'll start hiding things from me now, because she's free now. oh yes she's free. free to lead her own life. when now i have no right to probe into her life. i never once did, i always stopped myself from doing so, just because i wanted to keep her by my side. but things still ended up this way. what did i do wrong? can someone tell me why? i was afraid that whenever she wanted to do things and i said no, she would feel i was too possessive. but at the same time, saying no, i also thought that she lacked a sense of security, because her boyfriend didnt really cared what she was doing. i cared. and i let it show when i expressed disapproval at her getting close with another guy. couldn't i have just kept my mouth shut... haha, so dumb... well, i hope she has moved on, its easy for her to do so anyway. for me, ill just stick it out in the army. 10 more months till i ord. i cant do anything in this period of time, so ill just suspend my feelings for her, because it cant change, and i cant move on. i'm stagnant, and so are the many other guys in NS. she doesnt understand this, thats why she asks me to move on. haha, viz, you should have listened more closely during that particular civics lesson. then maybe we wouldnt be here today. she loved me. i still love her. dreamt at 2/03/2008 07:58:00 PM, 0 comments so this is it. words cant really describe my feelings. maybe just to quote some... they would be: angry, disappointed, sad, stirred, i dont know... angry at who? myself? disappointed? why? because of the things i didn't do? sad? because of the consequence of my overconfidence? stirred... because I know that I could have done more to prevent this day. i also dont know what to say. Suddenly, life holds a lot more challenges. Things are gonna be hell lot harder. haha, but i think i can go through this. bachelor again.... just 我行我素... it's no big deal. Life goes on... but i think ill never stop loving her. one day if i have the chance, just one day. I'll go for it. dreamt at 2/02/2008 10:58:00 PM, 0 comments |
Age: 2 0 School: JSPS/RI/RJC/Armour/NTU Location: Singapore
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